On the third day she stopped fighting it completely. She openly stared at Joseph during breaks in the group. He was already constantly on her mind, she why should she continue to pretend he wasn’t. She was already thinking of what she was going to tell him on the tenth day when Noble Silence was lifted and she could actually talk to him.
The night before she had masturbated in her bunk. She lay face down with her head buried in a pillow in the hopes that her bunkmate wouldn’t be able to hear. So this is how it is, she thought. A few years go by and he still makes me want to do nothing but touch myself all day.
And all the sitting was doing something for her as well. She felt this lightness in her forehead, right where the third eye was located. Her mind was filled with bliss. The kind of joy that she only experienced in fleeting moments in meditation before was with her all day now.
Every retreat was different. During the last one, she felt completely separated from all strong emotions, good and bad. In a total state of equanimity, which was pleasurable in itself. During the first retreat it was nothing but frustration until the very end when she had a vision of Neal’s presence that came to her while meditating in her room. He sat across from her. She even reached out and touched his knee. He was smiling. He’s in a good place, she thought at the time. It’s time to let go. She exhaled and Neal disappeared.
There would be no peace or equanimity, or even profound insight on this retreat. She could tell that from the moment she saw him. Instead it was bliss. Beautiful bliss.
Yes, she thought. I’m going to talk to him. And then I’m going to see if he’ll fuck me again. For old time’s sake.