She listened to Joseph's music all day in the car. It moved her. It showed signs of complexity and deep emotion and it inspired her enough to listen to it over and over again. The more she listened, the more she received glimpses of something else. There was a perfection in it. Complicated but precise, like Joseph himself. Joseph wanted perfection. And behind that perfection, she suspected, was fear.
That was what drew her to him the most. He kept himself so stiff and controlled. Even his religious practice was that way. She peeked at him often enough during the meditation sessions to know. His posture was always perfect. If it was difficult for him to sit in the lotus position for the full hour, he would never complain. His back perfectly straight.
But when she gazed into his eyes, she saw the truth. She saw how much it was a show. There was an intensity when Joseph looked at her that cut her to the point where she had to turn away. There was chaos going on behind those eyes. All that he did, his meetings, his music, his meditation, was just to keep that insanity at bay. She could lose herself in that unspoken madness. I wonder, she thought, what he would be like if he ever really lost control.
She had cleaned the house a few days before. Anne came across a box of things left to her by her grandmother, Lily. The woman had been dead for over twenty years now, but Anne could not find the heart to go through her belongings until then.
The items she found surprised her only a little. Anne knew her grandfather was not Lily’s first choice or even her first boyfriend. Her grandfather belonged to a large family of ten children and Lily first dated her grandfather’s brother, Hank. It was only for a short time. Her grandmother told her that she chose her grandfather because she knew he would be a good family man. Hank was too reckless and she wanted a family. Her grandfather was safer, religious, and a family man. It was an easy decision for her. That’s what Anne always thought.
Among the letters was a black and white photo of Lily on the back of Hank’s motorcycle. It was an old Indian, brand new at the time. Lily tilted her head back, a white scarf blowing back in the wind. And she smiled in a strange way. On the back of the picture were the words “Remembering you and how beautiful we looked when we fucked by the lake.” The words shocked Anne. She wondered if this could possibly be the same woman. For the first time, Anne realized she came from a long line of women who chose security over passion. Anne wept, but she didn’t know why.
But Grandma was right, she thought. Hank was dead just a few years later after crashing that motorcycle. Anne could only imagine what she might have felt at the man’s funeral. Anne thought, Are those the only choices? Choosing a man that’s safe, or men who are dangerous to the point of killing themselves? There have to be other men out there.
When she listened to Joseph’s music, Anne thought she had found that man. Yes, he was definitely dangerous. He made it very clear what his life used to be like. But he was better now. She knew then that she was in love with him and had no idea what to do about it.
The CD came to an end and she hit play a second time and imagined what those talented hands would feel like on her body. I’m so sick of making good decisions, she thought.
When she got home, she grabbed a bottle of wine and a corkscrew and went to the small room where she meditated. She opened the bottle and drank straight from it, feeling the wine gush down her throat. Anne played the CD some more.
As she felt the wine go to her head, she reached down and unzipped her jeans, then slipped her fingers inside her panties. Her fingers were cool from holding the bottle but her folds were warm to the point of burning her.
Anne played with herself, listening to each note of the CD. She imagined what it would take to get him in her bed and how much she wanted to please him. I’m yours, she thought. Completely and totally yours. And you don’t even know. You could have me any way you wanted, as brutally as you wanted.
The thought of him ravaging her and pounding her with his cock drove her to orgasm quickly. She drank some more wine and touched herself some more, coming three more times in quick secession.
I am so screwed, she thought.