It all seemed strange to her. She did not understand the people who sat with idiot grins on their faces. But she had tried it anyway since she was sick of the pills and she was sick of feeling crazy. For a moment there, after she stopped crying, she had some peace.
But that peace disappeared the moment she met Joseph. After months of feeling calm inside her, now she was agitated. It felt like a violation, the feeling came over her when he walked into the meditation hall. She wondered if he had any idea what he did to her.
She continued her message. “I also wanted to talk to you some more about your own practice. I know you don’t usually go there, and I wondered if you could share some of your experiences with me. I could use some direction. I feel lost sometimes,” she said.
Anne hit the end call button and withered to the floor. What the fuck was that? I talk to someone for ten minutes and then I’m calling them and saying I feel “lost” sometimes, she thought. I might as well said I was down to fuck. He probably thinks I’m crazy.
There was nothing she could now. The message was sent. Now it was a matter of waiting. I have nothing to worry about, she thought. I doubt he’ll show up at my sangha again, and he is surely not going to call me back after that message I left. I’m in the clear. I’ll just go back to doing what I normally do and just pretend that none of that ever happened. It’s just a little blip on the screen. That’s all. She thought of what her teacher had told her. Suffering comes from craving. And she craved Joseph.
She was tired and went back to bed. It would be hours before Ben came home. Anne wanted him to make love to her again. That was the best part of the last few months for her, the two of them reconnected sexually after several years of hardly touching at all. But it won’t last, she thought. I don’t think he’s going to be able to keep up with me at the rate I’m going. All I want to do is fuck anymore.
Some of her friends told her it was normal for a woman of her age to have increased libido. That made her feel a little better. But she knew there was more to it than that. For the first time in years she felt happy. There had been years when it was all she could do to work up enough energy for sex. She just wanted to pull the covers over her head and fall asleep as fast as possible. All that had changed. Now she felt alive. Some of it was the meditation and the new direction in her life. Most of it was Joseph. She attacked Ben daily, and masturbated more than she did as a teenager.
Anne pulled the bed sheet down and reached to touch her right breast with her left hand while her right hand slid down to her panties. She conjured up Ben’s face and the way he looked with his shirt off. He was a nice looking man and a good lover.
It only took a moment for her mental image of Ben to disappear and be replaced by Joseph. Fucking brain, she thought. She pushed that out of her mind and thought of Ben again. It didn’t last.
Fuck you, Joseph, she thought. Ben completely dissolved in her mind and she let it go. All that was left was Joseph. She came hard twice just thinking of his face and hands. Anne began to imagine what his cock was like and how it would feel inside her when her phone rang. She turned to see who was calling her. It was Joseph.